Sometimes I get in a strange mood for no obvious reason and can’t seem to shift it. Vague moods like melancholy, low level anxiety, the blahs.
When I get like this—out of sorts—I use a technique I found in one of Michael Neill’s books, and it goes like this:
I’m feeling X…
Because…X
And that means X…
That’s it. Simple. And so effective for identifying the actual emotion, what triggers it, and the story built up around it. Silly, unimportant—gone!
Getting to grips with what’s really bugging us, what we’reactuallyfeeling, can do wonders. For instance, the emotion of anger could actually be resentment, which could actually be fear of humiliation.
Then the ‘Because…’ illuminates. Someone raised an eyebrow and it reminded you of a teacher who used to do that and made you feel inadequate or humiliated. Triggered!
‘And that means…’ We build up stories around everything that happens to us. They can be supportive, or unsupportive. Usually not true. We can change the story. Delete!
Or frequently some small event sets off a chain of thinking that culminates in a sour mood. It was that weird film I watched last night that put me in this state. Reminded me of someone I used to know. What happened to him? Oh, he died in a car crash. Mood! Gone!
A missing piece?
At times however, there seems to be something missing, a further step needed for those stubborn emotions that won’t let go.
I found the missing piece, the elusive next step, in a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, the well known Vietnamese monk and teacher.
Thich says we first need to identify, acknowledge, and recognize what is causing our suffering.
Here’s the key (that made me sit up). We need to look deeply at the emotion and discover “the kinds of nutriments that have helped it come to be and continue to feed it.”
Ah. Bingo. There we are. How am I feeding and nourishing this negative story? Until I stop feeding it, the emotion’s not going anywhere.
How do we nourish emotions? That part is easy—TV, Internet, social media, books, people we hang out with, gossip, politics, news.
But also there’s our constant self-talk that reinforces the negative story and keeps it alive and kicking. Just waiting to be triggered.
Next time you notice that story repeating itself in your mind, simply say, Not now! And bring something more positive to mind.
Cut off the feed and the emotion cannot thrive.
This always works for me.
So, to recap:
I’m feeling X… (emotion, really drill down)
Because X… (trigger)
And that means X …(story you tell yourself about it)
And I am nourishing this by X… (What is keeping this story alive)
Try it and let me know how it works for you.
Take care
Margaret
PS If you would like help dealing with negative emotions then I can help! I have over 20 years’ experience coaching people to let go of stuff (technical term) that’s not helping them.
Contact me here and we can discuss booking a 1 hour, online session. Easy, no fuss, affordable.
If you live in San Miguel de Allende we can meet one-to-one in a private, open air setting.
A friend of mine passed recently. He died suddenly, at age 58, just 2 weeks after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. In retrospect the signs had been there for months—stomach pains, extreme fatigue, appetite changes.
He lived in Scotland, and I knew him from years ago when I lived in the UK and we trained together in NLP, hypnosis, and Time-line Therapy, in California. Those were heady days when we were both launching our respective careers in coaching and writing.
We kept in touch and spoke on Facebook Messenger regularly, comparing notes and motivating each other with suggestions and ideas. He had struggled in the past year to get productive, but his health kept interfering. He had been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs.
His death came as a shock. He had so many plans and ideas and creative projects waiting to spring to life. I tried to makes some sense of it, gain some perspective on his passing. My emotions were all over the place and I needed a coping mechanism.
I looked back over the last year and asked myself: when was he happiest during that time, and why?
For some reason this question seemed important. Urgent, almost.
It wasn’t hard to recall. Our conversations always started with, How was your week? When he had been ‘up’ and full of life it was always down to a certain activity.
Following his morning ritual.
His ritual would be to get up at a reasonably early hour, and spend his first hour or so reading something inspirational, journaling, writing his goals for the day, meditating, and exercising. He was a big fan of Hal Elrod and his Miracle Morning prescription for a productive and fulfilling day.
When he was ‘down’, he typically didn’t do any of that. He would lie around in bed until late, crawl out of bed, and rush to his office in a blur of grogginess and disarray.
But here’s the key; if he could make himself do his ritual even on his down days, the effects were tremendous. He had to force himself, but it was always worth it.
His ritual set him up for the day.
Why was this ritual so impactful? How and why did it make his day go better and make him joyful? Simply this; he was in control. The day was not controlling him; he was controlling the day, to the best of his ability. When he felt in control, he was more confident, centered, and productive. It provided an anchor. He frequently said that if he could perform his ritual in the morning, then no matter what else he did, the day hadn’t been lost, and if he didn’t do his ritual, then he struggled to make the day work.
Can you relate? Do you have a morning ritual?
There are few rules to follow. Wake up the same time every day at a reasonably early hour. Do not hit the internet, listen to radio or read emails until you have finished your ritual. It’s your choice what to do but it should be inspirational, centering, motivating. Examples are reading, meditating, exercising, journaling, goal setting.
Since my friend’s passing I have tightened up my morning ritual and made it more organized and automatic, and the positive results have been noticeable; more in control, more balanced, happier with myself.
His death made me even more aware that every day is an opportunity to develop and be of some use, somewhere, to someone. I don’t want to waste my time if I can help it. If a morning ritual can assist that, then I’m all in.
His is one of many self-help books available to encourage you. Let me know how you get on.
Take care
Margaret
PS: If you would like help creating and sticking to a morning ritual, I may be your gal. You can contact me via email for a coaching session and we can get started. I’m into no-fuss, relaxed, affordable coaching, either online or here in San Miguel de Allende.
