Follow Your Passion—Worst Advice Ever?

Follow Your Passion—Worst Advice Ever?

Aug 10, 2017 | Life-Coaching, Personal Development, Success

Malcolm Gladwell, journalist and writer for The New Yorker,

author of 5 best sellers, (Tipping Point, Blink, Outliers, among others) and social science maven says, “You should pursue what interests you, not what you’re good at”. He goes on to say that passion gets you further than some dry notion of ability. Wham!

Follow your passion.

Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computers, is famously quoted as saying, “you’ve got to find what you love…. if you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, don’t settle”.

Follow your passion.

Follow your passion. This succinct sound bite has become a popular mantra for many searching for purpose and success in life.

Hard to Argue With Steve Jobs

But is it good counsel? Hard to argue with on the surface—it sounds exciting, motivating, and oh so modern and new age-y. Problem is, Jobs didn’t take his own advice. He didn’t start out passionate about designing computers, nor starting a business.

He was passionate about Zen Meditation.

Apple kind of evolved—into the most successful company in the world.

Follow your passion may seem hard to argue with, but Cal Newport does just that. Cal is a best selling author of 5 books on career success as well as a professor of Computer Science at Georgetown University. Not someone to be sneezed at.

Cal Newport—NYTimes

He says follow your passion is bad advice. Full stop.

Cal claims most of us don’t have a pre-existing passion that’s useful or has career potential.

Popular passions may be football, or baking, or photography, or swimming, but these are interests that frequently can’t be made into a successful career. He quotes numerous real life examples of people failing at attempts to make a career out of their passions.

Rare and Valuable Skills Are What We Need

According to Cal, following a passion is a depressingly bad strategy for success in life.

He says a better strategy instead is to build up competence, and look for rare and valuable skills we can develop, and just simply get good at something. From there passion develops, not the other way around. As you get better at something, your passion for it grows.

What do you think? When I listen to these two experts, I agree with both. But if I examine my own life, then Cal Newport’s advice seems to make the most sense. I grew up without any discernible skills, but great enthusiasm for boys and dating, cats, makeup, and reading. Not much to work with there. Bad career prospects.

With Competence Comes Zeal

Over the years I began to develop skills in things I had an affinity for, but not a passion, to begin with. As my competence grew, my dedication and interests developed.

I think this is relevant at whatever stage of life you are in. I’m semi-retired, and have found Newport’s ideas motivating and help me to focus on what I really want to be doing at this time of my life. It has encouraged me to drop things I don’t enjoy and have never been good at—and not blink an eye.

What about you? Do you think it’s better to pursue your passion, or develop your skills, work hard at them, and watch your passion develop?

Or…. both?

Check out Malcolm Gladwell and Cal Newport on YouTube:

Can’t Learn Spanish? No Importa!

Can’t Learn Spanish? No Importa!

Jul 27, 2017 | Assertiveness, Life-Coaching, Living in Mexico, Spanish

Struggling to learn Spanish and live in a Spanish speaking country? You’re not alone! Find out how I learned to deal with this assertively.

I’ve lived here for a decade and—thanks for asking— my Spanish is still pretty awful. But my pretty awful Spanish has taught me invaluable lessons in assertiveness that have generated into every aspect of my life. Let me elaborate.

Here in Mexico, especially in the ex-pat community, it’s a big deal how well you know and speak Spanish. It’s the ultimate status symbol. Over the years I’ve had many snide comments directed my way implying I’m either stupid, lazy, arrogant, or ‘just don’t care’ because I haven’t mastered the language. Oh, and don’t mention politically incorrect. I know, I know!

In the past I fell into the big huge bear trap of explaining and defending myself—“Oh I’ve really tried! I’ve had a dozen tutors! I’ve gone to all the classes! I guess I’m just too old, or just haven’t found the right teaching method, blah, blah, blah. I’m not stupid! I’ve got a degree. Something is just really strange about this, blah, blah, blah.”

This never felt good to me, and it never convinced anyone about anything. No one ever validated me or gave me the approval I was so desperately seeking.

This taught me a huge life lesson.

People will judge you. That’s what they do.

Substitute anything for not learning Spanish: I can’t lose weight, I can’t cook, my house is untidy, we haven’t decorated yet, I can’t do this, I haven’t done that, etc.

I repeat: People will judge you. That’s what they do. Human beings are judging machines. We all judge everybody, all the time, for everything. You can’t stop that so don’t try. You’re wasting your energy.

But you don’t have to fuel it either. Groveling, apologizing, explaining, or justifying fuels judgment, it doesn’t get rid of it. As long as we crave or expect approval from others we’re sunk—it won’t come. So stop trying to get it.

I realized I was playing either the Mouse or the Dragon about Spanish—

I would cringe and crave approval and forgiveness for being such a dunce, or I would get mad. How dare you look down on me! I’ve tried, darn it! I mean, really tried! Neither reaction gave me the elusive result I wanted.

Now I’ve learned to laugh at it. I no longer give explanations to anyone. I only owe them to myself. When it’s time for me to learn Spanish, I guess I will. If that never happens, I guess it won’t. My reasons are mine, not anyone else’s and I don’t owe anyone an apology.

So when anyone criticizes me about anything these days, I think, “That’s interesting. I wonder if they’re right?” I might even conclude they are in which case I say, “Agree! You’re right!” And then I shut up.

I take criticism into account (after all I might learn from it), and then choose my response, if any, rather than reacting emotionally. I avoid being arrogant, and I avoid being a victim.

You can’t imagine how liberating this is.

Excerpt from my upcoming book How to be Artfully Assertive: Skills for Women, which will be available on kindle and in paperback soon, 2017.

My Little Pony and Me—a Lesson in Assertiveness and Much More

My Little Pony and Me—a Lesson in Assertiveness and Much More

Jun 22, 2017 | Life-Coaching

This isn’t working!

“Marti! This isn’t working!” I bleated. “He’s trying to bite me! Help!”

“Well, don’t let him!” she called out, laughing.

It was a hot and dusty May morning in the central highlands of Mexico. I was participating in an outdoor workshop of ‘horse assisted learning’, primarily for insights into my new book on assertiveness. My friend Marti, who lives with the horses and runs the sessions, had really encouraged me to take part. Marti is a horsewoman and equine guided education specialist.

“You’ll love it.” She promised.

I was a little skeptical. I had ridden horses in my youth, but it had been years since I had been in close contact with one. They seemed awfully big, and not all that interested in doing my bidding.

So far my only task was to get a miniature horse, named Iota, to go with me from his corral down to a paddock about 50 feet away. He had on a halter, I had a lead, and so it should have been easy.

Equine guided education san miguel de allende

I don’t ever remember being so terrified.

“Marti, he’s trying to nip me, I swear!” I called out again. “And if he’s not doing that, he’s bucking and showing me his hooves. Take over please!” I was literally rigid with fear.

A Tiny Guy Has Me Figured Out

Now, lest you be under any illusion, Iota was not very big. He looks a lot like My Little Pony. He barely came to my hips and was impossibly, heartbreakingly cute, with a charming and determined air. He was of the breed Pit Pony, originally bred to go down in the mines of Wales. Tough little dudes. I don’t know how the miners coped. This Pit Pony had no intention of doing anything I wanted him to.

I was also uneasily aware that Marti used him with children and as a therapy horse in hospices and homes for the elderly. He should be sweet and docile, right?

Let me just say here that I pride myself on being quite assertive, with people anyway—not afraid of anyone—and yet here I was being pushed around by a smallish beast.

I moaned, as Iota firmly took us both over to the side of the road to eat grass. When I tried to get him to move on down to the paddock, he showed me his teeth. I let him eat.

Creating Boundaries

“You’re not enforcing your boundaries” Marti chided me. “You’re giving all kinds of signals to him that you’re afraid. So he’s had to take over and run the show.”

She came over and patiently showed me exactly how to enforce my boundaries with the little guy. She twirled a rope, cowgirl style, in front of herself. Nipper backed off. “He won’t come near me when the rope is being twirled,” she pointed out. “He respects my boundaries, as defined by the rope. Now you try”.

Hesitantly I took the rope and began to twirl. Miraculously Iota stopped moving in on me and stood still. “Now he’s waiting for you to show some leadership”, she said.

“Oh, so I guess I have to show him who’s boss?” I was beginning to get the idea.

“No, you don’t do that. You just have to show him your boundaries and then what you expect him to do. It’s not about control. It’s about respect.” Whoa. Lesson received.

We made it to the paddock, and eventually I got the hang of persuading Iota to do my bidding. He seemed quite content to run around the paddock as long as I gave the appropriate instructions.

What I Gained From Equine Assisted Learning

I was exhausted, but felt strangely exhilarated when it was over. And despite my lesson in humility, quite proud of myself. I felt like I had overcome something important that I couldn’t quite identify. I calmly led him back to his corral. No incidents along the way this time. He followed me quite happily.

So what did I learn? Being assertive is not about controlling others. It’s about controlling your own energy, being sure of your boundaries, and communicating your expectations to others.

The horse didn’t have to hear me say what my boundaries were; he picked up all he needed to know from my body language and my energy. People are no different. We constantly gather information about those around us from the signals they are sending.

If you don’t make your boundaries and expectations clear, then someone else will fill that role. In my case, a Pit Pony had to take over.

If you don’t show leadership, then others will lead you. It’s your choice. Just make sure you’re not being led to the side of the road to eat grass.

Excerpt from my soon to be published book Artful Assertiveness Skills For Women: How to be Calm, Confident, and in Control. Available on Kindle and in paperback soon.

For information on Marti’s and my latest Equine Assisted Learning Workshop, click here.

Personal Boundaries! What Are They and Why Are They Important?

Personal Boundaries! What Are They and Why Are They Important?

Jun 12, 2017 | Life-Coaching

A boundary is a border, outer limit, or perimeter: an enclosure or fortification.

A personal boundary is a metaphorical term to describe your emotional borders—what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable around others, and how you react to this discomfort.

“Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others.” Essential life skills

We usually refer to someone’s boundaries as weak or strong. “Oh, she has really strong boundaries. Nobody messes with her!” Or we might say, “Her boundaries are weak and she doesn’t enforce them. She lets him walk all over her.”

We also know when someone has trespassed our boundaries. It feels awkward, uncomfortable, confusing, and we have a sense of being violated.

Having strong boundaries is crucial to your emotional safety. You need your boundaries to be strong enough to protect your feelings and sensibilities—your sense of what’s right and wrong and whether you are receiving the respect and validation you feel you deserve.

I like to think of a boundary as a kind of psychological fence I have around myself. It’s there to protect me. I want the fence high and strong enough to keep bad stuff out of my life, but not so high I keep everyone out and become isolated. We all know people who ‘won’t let anyone in’, or who don’t let anyone get close to them. Most of us don’t want that. That’s boundary imbalance.

Personal Boundaries

If your fences are too high and strong and you enforce them too vigorously, you can appear arrogant, intolerant, scary, and rigid. Or you might come across as overly sensitive and thin-skinned. And you may end up alone because nobody can get in.

It’s all about balance.

Different Folks, Different Strokes—Our Boundaries Vary

And here’s another observation; we have different boundaries with everyone we have contact with. Your boundaries will be different with someone you meet on the street, or at a charity boardroom meeting, than with your children and friends.

However—take care! We may have different boundaries with different people, but we should always respect the boundaries of others, no matter who they are.

I have some friends who can say almost anything to me and I won’t take offense. I know them and trust them. Ditto with my grown up kids. I let them in very close. On the other hand, as their mother, I’m careful to respect their boundaries and I try not to interfere in their lives or give unsolicited advice. I want them to like having me around, and unsolicited advice will guarantee that won’t happen.

Personal Boundaries - don't trample other's!

Marriages and relationships more than not break down because of boundary violations. Someone feels disrespected; it festers and causes resentment.

I cannot tell you how many clients and friends I know, who complain that their relationships with children and other family members are not good. This causes a lot of unnecessary heartache and grief.

On close questioning and examination, it becomes clear that what is going wrong has to do with differing expectations about boundaries. Just because it’s your child—who is now a fully-fledged adult—it doesn’t mean you have the right, or that it’s a good idea to criticize their choices or tell them how to live their lives. It won’t be appreciated.

It’s never a good idea to trample on anyone’s boundaries.

Criticism is the Ultimate Boundary Stomper

Don’t do it. Ever.

Even the most well-intentioned criticism is the act of passing judgment; censure; faultfinding.

I repeat: Don’t do it. Ever. Make it an ironclad rule in your life, and it will serve you well. Just like gossip, you will never regret NOT criticizing someone, but boy can you regret the careless negative remark that will dog both of you the rest of your days.

Nobody ever forgets criticism. It’s a fact of life.

On the other hand, when you help people feel good about themselves, the choices they are making, and how they are living their lives, they will want you around. You are strengthening their boundaries. We all like to feel good.

Excerpt from Artful Assertiveness Skills for Women: How to be Calm, Confident, & in Control by Margaret Nash, soon to be available on Kindle and in paperback.

Check out Margaret’s already published five star ranked self-help books.

Got Problems? Avoid these 2 seductive Archetypes

Apr 24, 2017 | Life-Coaching

It happens to the best of us.

You encounter a problem so big, so huge, so all encompassing, that you can’t just ignore it or pretend it will go away. It hasn’t so far.

You can’t walk away from it.

It impacts your life in negative ways.

  • A chronic health problem ‘you’ll just have to learn to live with’.
  • An accident that means life will never be the same again.
  • A financial crisis that means you have lost most of your money.
  • You lose your job.
  • Someone in your family is into drugs or alcohol.

You know the story. I don’t really need to list all the possibilities—it’s too depressing!

The point is, you have to face it and you need some sort of perspective that helps you deal with it.

Beware! At this point there are two Archetype traps that many people fall into, and that may just make things worse.

Seductive Archetype Trap #1—the Victim

You fall into despair, give up and become the VICTIM.

Oh, this archetype is such a lure—the Victim promises you relief from fighting, resisting, making an effort. You are not responsible! You poor thing! Of course you feel bad!

Oh yes, I’ll just let go and give in. It wasn’t my fault after all and life is not fair. I’m pretty helpless when it comes to it.

Oh this trap is so comfortable, and I don’t see why I can’t just take up residence here.

 join self-help groups and go into therapy to deal with my sadness and negative emotions.

I identify totally with my problem. It defines my life. I talk about it incessantly. I label it and study it. Learn everything I can about it.

I complain to my friends. I wallow in self-pity.

I think I’m just being realistic. When someone tries to help me find another point of view I invariably say, ‘but you don’t understand what it’s like. You don’t get what I’m going through’.

You are allowed some feeling sorry

We are all allowed a period of self-pity when things go wrong and the rug is pulled out from under us. Self-help groups can help enormously. For a while.

The problem is we can get stuck in this trap, the Victim mode, and never emerge from it. It’s hard to get out. She’s like a spider with her web—the more you are drawn in, the more you identify with the problem, and the harder it is to pull yourself out from this story you have woven.

‘Gosh, if I got well, or successful, then I’d have to quit this group and lose my friends. They are so important to me. I can’t let them down by getting better.’

It becomes an important part of my life. And surprise, surprise, it never get solved.

If you are seduced by this archetype you become stuck in this swamp and never move on with your life.

Seductive Archetype # 2—the Warrior

Or, you become the WARRIOR. This is another attractive trap and can suck you in like a steel vise. The lure is that you are not giving in or up. You’re going to fight!

The Warrior is angry and refuses to accept the situation. When you enter Warrior mode you vow to resist until the end. You develop a relentless positive attitude and go into denial about the real issues. You never allow yourself to utter the name of the problem or talk about it intelligently. It must be resisted at all costs.

‘I won’t give it energy by even talking about it’, you declare defiantly.

You go to Tony Robbins seminars, pump yourself up, and constantly seek solutions.Take political action, start a group that fights this issue.

Relentless action. You become consumed with defeating it. It becomes the defining purpose of your life. You are not going to become a loser.

Hey, this sounds pretty good! Certainly better than the Victim. And sometimes you can solve the issue using this fierce approach.

However, the end result frequently can be burnout, exhaustion. Fighting is stressful and will wear you out. You can’t even try to get out of this trap—you become overwhelmed, depressed, and exhausted by the fighting. You can’t even pull yourself up. Besides, you are now identified with the issue that if you stop fighting people will wonder what has happened to you.

Anger can be emotionally draining. Constant resistance can take the joy out of life.

Eventually you want to get out of the trap, but can’t. You are so closely identified with the Warrior that you can’t change.

Oh, what to do? You don’t want to be a coward, but you also crave some peace of mind. You’d like to not be aware of your problem 24/7. Just a moment’s respite please.

You are afraid if you give up fighting, even for a moment, the problem will get worse.

Would you like to know a method that avoids both these traps? A third option, a different Archetype, that will bring you peace of mind while you can still take action?

 Read on.

How you can avoid being the Victim or Warrior

There is one way. Become the Friend. Seriously. I mean it. Make the problem your Friend.

Think of how you treat a friend. Or a friend treats you. You love your friend, you support your friend, and you help your friend understand what is going on.

So ask your new found Friend,

What greater good can come from this problem?

What is the Universe or my body trying to tell me?

What do I need to learn?

The Friend helps you avoid identifying with your grief or pain so that you can rise above it.

I call this the solution of Radiant Acceptance.

With Radiant Acceptance you can act and take steps to remedy the situation, but you’re detached from all the negative junk and storytelling. You allow yourself to let go of the drama. It’s OK. The world won’t stop and the problem won’t get worse if you relax a bit.

You can start to trust in a higher wisdom.

The really magical bit, the remarkable outcome, is that once you relax and make friends with your problem you will get better results. Events will click into place easily and effortlessly when you stop stressing. Your actions will be wiser.

No more burnout or wallowing in the swamp of self-pity.

Try the path of Radiant Acceptance next time you get some really bad news, and make the problem your Friend. This Archetype will help you through all kinds of challenging times.

If you would like to read more about archetypes, check out my book, Rebellious Aging: A Self-help Guide for the Hippie at Heart.

There are several chapters that deal exclusively with archetypes, and a list of the most well-known at the end. Much of it was inspired by Caroline Myss’s book Sacred Contracts.