I woke up the other morning feeling out of sorts. Not depressed exactly, just a feeling of restlessness, as if something wasn’t right.
Nothing especially negative going on in my personal life: dogs were well, husband happily preoccupied with his stuff, I could lose a few pounds and exercise more, but hey, what’s new?
So I had a good hard look at work. Ah, oh yes. Very clear what’s happening.
May/June in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, where I live, is typically the hottest, driest time of the year, so the town just clears out while most of the ex-pats head to the beach or back to the homeland. My usually busy client schedule emptied overnight. From having to juggle where to book people one week to zero the next, I was somewhat disconcerted. Either they had all left town or they all decided en masse they hated me. I’m banking on the former. Either way, my calendar was pretty spartan all of a sudden.
Plus my business and training partner had left town for a month, so no workshops planned, friends had fled, and I had been revamping my books, they weren’t ready, so no books to advertise or work on for the moment. I seemed to be in a state of waiting, my normally busy life on hold.
In other words, things had ground to a halt, or to use a better metaphor, I was in the doldrums!
I love the origin of the term in the doldrums
Do you know where this term comes from? Bear with me. It’s quite illuminating.
The word doldrum means dull and slothful. To be in the doldrums is an archaic maritime term, which refers to certain areas in the ocean near the equator. These areas are hot and humid and the wind can sometimes disappear completely, trapping sailing boats for periods of days or weeks on end. It was a sailor’s nightmare.
Kind of like San Miguel right now. This boat was stalled.
These areas were nicknamed the doldrums by 18th century sailors, because getting caught in them was so dull and boring. If you got stuck in the doldrums you would be unable to move forward; marooned at sea in the middle of the tropics. If the winds were too long in coming, you could get depressed and stir crazy; worse, you could die from thirst or hunger.
Most dreaded it more than a storm.
Can you picture it—stifling heat, unrelenting sun, absolutely no breeze of any kind, no sounds of any kind, and the air perfectly still? You could go crazy just thinking about it. Imagine getting stuck there with no way out and no idea when the breezes would start again. “As idle as a painted ship, Upon a painted ocean.”
Yes, I can imagine it only too well.
Colloquially, in the doldrums came to mean a state of inactivity, mild depression, listlessness, or stagnation—a general state of low spirits. A pretty apt metaphor for how I was feeling at the moment. There was no wind in my sails and I felt as if I was drifting on a sea of gloom without an oar. Just like Coleridge’s Ancient Mariner.
So, who survived the doldrums?
Sailors who kept their spirits up, their sails trimmed and their ships in tip-top-shape—that’s who. They took advantage of the quiet time to prepare themselves for the breezes. And when the wind eventually blew, they were ready. A good sailor can use the tiniest breeze to get moving and out of danger.
Who didn’t survive? The sailors who allowed themselves to sink into fear and depression, who felt disconnected, cut-off, adrift. They focused on their fear, and would sink to the bottom of the ship, drunk and depressed. And when the breezes came, they didn’t feel them and lost their chance of escape. They weren’t ready.
So, ahem, at the risk of stating the obvious…
When we feel like there’s no wind in our sails, and nothing much is happening in our lives, embrace it! Trim your sails and get your ship in order.
Clients will come back.
Workshops will resume.
Books will finally be ready for marketing.
Life will crank up and splutter into action again.
In the meantime, I’m exulting in my freedom. I’m enjoying my enforced quiet time reading, researching, writing, de-cluttering. I’m spending hours just sitting in the garden with my dogs, sitting on my roof at sunset, bingeing on Netflix (a special skill of mine), and just being. I’m in bliss. Trimming those sails…sort of.
Enjoy your summer. Welcome those slow periods in life. They can be your most productive.
Retirement can bring on a feeling of the doldrums. If you are retired and feeling at loose ends or stuck, you might enjoy my book, The Retirement Rebel: How to get your life to work, when you don’t have to available on kindle and in paperback on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D6TWXP8.
This is an updated and revised version of How to Beat the Retirement Blues.
If you like it, I’d love, no, adore a nice review. Indie writers are so dependent on reviews to get our books noticed, so your review matters. Just go to the book page and click on where it says “Would you like to leave a review?” I’ll be so grateful I’ll treat you to tacos next time you’re in town
I invite you to visit margaretnashcoach.com for more books, articles, and other sail trimming ideas you might like.
Prefer to listen to this blog—while you drive, while you work, while you exercise, or even while you cook? Try this audio; it’s eyes and hands free! It’s only 6 1/2 minutes, but if you’d like to download an mp3 to load onto your phone, right-click control-click on the mac) HERE.
Let’s be honest—we all experience stress. We all experience problems. Some big, some not so big. The big stuff:
A health issue that won’t go away.
That huge debt that keeps you tossing and turning at night, leaving you exhausted.
That deteriorating relationship. It’s been on a downward spiral for some time now. You need to make a decision soon.
That friend/partner/family member who is drinking again.
Politics.
The not so big stuff:
The noisy neighbor.
The barking dog.
The new person in your group who talks too much and is spoiling it for all of you.
That high school friend on Facebook with political views that are driving you crazy.
The weird thing is, the big things and the not so big things can be equally stressful. There’s no accounting for what causes us unhappiness. We can sometimes sail through major life changes, and fall apart when someone is rude to us.
Whatever it is, stress and worry can steal your energy and put you through an emotional wringer— leaving you unable to cope with everyday life.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a way to deal with problems that dissolves the stress—even if it doesn’t necessarily dissolve the problem?
A way to handle stress that gives you a new point of view and sense of perspective?
Something, anything, that helps you cope? Feel more peaceful? And works immediately?
Good news! There is a way. I call it my Quick-Fix Stress Manager.
Let me share.
I first came across this set of 3 questions years ago, in the 1990s, when I was a hot-shot business trainer and this meme was making the rounds in training circles.
I remember going all cold with the ‘aha’ moment I experienced because of its simplicity and brilliance—as I was simultaneously overcome with jealousy that I hadn’t thought of it first. But I think the Buddha was first, and Seneca a few hundred years later. It sounds a lot like the Serenity Prayer written in 1951. Perhaps it’s always been around.
It’s simple, easy to remember; at the same time profound.
Here was something I could actually use—not just a clever sound-bite.
And definitely this was something that could help me with almost every problem I encountered. A true ‘across-the-board’ solution, kind of like an umbrella over anything in my life I found difficult to deal with.
Here we go:
The next time you are feeling anxiety, stress, worry or experiencing something disturbing, ask yourself these 3 questions:
1. Can I change it?
2. Can I accept it?
3. Can I walk away from it?
Note: You are working to find a yes somewhere here; otherwise you’re in for trouble. Expect to implode shortly.
Let’s look at this more closely:
1) Can I change it?
If you can change it, or at least do something about it, and it is somewhat under your control—take action. Any action. Then stop worrying about it. You are doing your best. Action is the absolute best stress reliever. Go on that march. Write that Senator. Donate. Make an appointment. 2) Can I accept it?
If you really cannot change it, and there is nothing you can do to affect the situation, can you accept it or resign yourself to it? Can you learn to live with it? If so, surrender to reality. You can’t change those election results. You can’t live that person’s life for them. Accept what is, and then let go the stress. Drop it now—it’s not serving any purpose. 3) Can I walk away from it?
If no to both of the first two questions, then the third option is —can you walk away from it? Get out, break off the relationship, move away, change jobs. You know that partnership is never going to work. You know you’ll never be happy living in Kansas. You can’t live with someone who is mentally ill if they won’t get treatment. Get out, now.
Walk away. You can’t change it and it will never be acceptable to you. It’s ok; you’re not a selfish monster, just realistic. You can always move to Antarctica.
Walking away can mean physically, as in leaving the scene, or emotionally and mentally. Sometimes we may not be able to move away or get on a plane, but we can just decide to switch off. It may be your only option for survival.
This Quick-fix Stress Management tool works for any issue or problem. It gives you a reframe, and a way to let go and move on.
These are your choices. You can work with 1, 2, or all 3.
If you can do all 3, then so much the better.
For instance, you can remove yourself from a nasty situation, and try your best to change it from a distance, at the same time accepting the reality of what is and feeling OK with it.
You may not be able to walk away from that health problem, but you can work to change it and accept what is at the same time.
You may not be able to walk away from that election result, (unless you unplug and become a hermit), but you can take what action you can, and accept what is, in the meantime.
You don’t have to like it, but if there is nothing you can do, you don’t have to let it ruin your life either.
The key is to let go of the worry and stress. Remember this: Nothing works well when you are stressed. Everything works better when you are calm.
You can’t argue with that. So make it your aim to let go of stress.
Try my Quick-Fix Stress Manager. I wish I had made it up. Really. I’d be a millionaire. So put it in your tool-box and use it next time you need it. And checks made out to Margaret Nash gratefully received…
I had a major-meltdown yesterday and I’m not especially proud of it. I like to think I’m in control most of the time, and the mantra I use to keep a check on my natural warrior-like tendencies is, ‘I am calm, confident, and in control’. This works pretty well most of the time.
If I feel the need to shout at other drivers it’s always with the window closed, and I keep a beady eye on my moods to make sure they’re not going to impact others in a negative way.
Aren’t I good? Well, not so much. Yesterday the stars conspired against me; I lost my cool and exploded over a small but ill-advised remark made by my hapless husband.
Yikes. He retreated with the dogs to another part of the house and left me to stew. Which I did…. for about 5 lava-like minutes…and then remorse set in.
I spent the rest of the day feeling guilty and that I had let myself down. What had happened?
First World Problems
Get the hankies out.
OK so my car started breaking down on the way to a doctor’s appointment for which I was already late, I was in a hurry and forgot to eat, I couldn’t find a parking place and had to run, was late, and then the doctor wanted me to come back later, and despite rapidly lowering blood sugar I didn’t stop to pick up lunch on the way home because, you know, car trouble, and someone else was waiting for me there, and once home I tried to order food from my favorite delivery service, and the line wasn’t working, and then I tried ordering from a not so favorite pizza delivery and they weren’t answering, and I couldn’t prepare anything because my kitchen is currently being torn apart for remodeling.
Enter husband who makes unhelpful suggestion when I’m in a state of enhanced agitation and low blood sugar. Bless his heart. Bet he wished he had rephrased it.
Not one of these #firstworldproblems on its own would normally even make me blink, but when they all came at once I found I couldn’t cope. Stress! Where were my personal development resources when I needed them?
Rescue Remedy delivered via a book
This morning, still smarting from my failure to behave as an enlightened human being, I read something in a book by Michael Neill, super coach extraordinaire, which totally explained my lapse of civility. He helpfully suggested what I can do in the future to avoid it happening again. I want to share.
Neill says that in recovery there is an acronym called H.A.L.T., which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When you notice yourself experiencing any one of these feelings, then HALT what you’re doing and take care of yourself.
I was feeling ALL of them yesterday when I lashed out. Hungry—yep, angry—yep, lonely—yep, in that I didn’t feel supported, and tired—tick, tick, tick, tick. Now I’m not one to scrimp on self-care, but this just got all out of hand before I knew I was in dangerous territory.
Eat Something!
Neill says that when you notice any of these symptoms of stress to simply stop and take stock. Whatever you’re doing isn’t going to go well when you’re in any of these states.
I could have stopped and eaten, rested, taken a deep breath, and canceled some of those appointments. Reminded myself to relax. Get a taxi. But mainly, eat something before blood sugar drops.
So the simple advice is to be aware of what is going on in your body before it’s too late. What do you need? How can you take care of yourself? Do it now. Tame that hungry lion into a peaceful kitty.
This is going to be a new mantra for me. H.A.L.T. Lesson learned. Stop that hissy-fit in its tracks. The remorse and guilt are not worth it.
Have you had a meltdown due to hunger, anger, loneliness, or fatigue?
Try H.A.L.T. next time and let me know how it works.
Let’s be honest—we all experience stress. We all experience problems. Some big, some not so big.
The big stuff:
A health issue that won’t go away. You’re still waiting test results.
That huge debt that’s keeping you tossing and turning at night. You wake up exhausted.
That relationship! What to do? It’s been on the skids for years. You need to make a decision soon.
That friend/partner/family member who is drinking again.
The recent presidential election. (Do we want to go there?)
Then there are the little niggly things that bug you:
The noisy neighbor. The loud music.
The barking dog.
The new person in your group that talks too much and is spoiling it for all of you.
That relative with totally different political views that just drive you crazy.
Whatever it is, stress and worry from problems can steal your energy and leave you feeling emotionally hung over.
Let’s face it—even if this problem goes away, another will soon take its place. That’s life.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a way to deal with problems like these that dissolves the stress—even if it doesn’t necessarily dissolve the problem?
A way to handle all stress, no matter what the source, that gives you a new point of view, a philosophy, a new way of looking at it that gives a sense of perspective?
Something, anything, that helps you cope? Feel more peaceful?
Good news! There is an emotional rescue remedy. I call it my Meta Stress Manager.
Let me share.
I first came across this set of 3 questions years ago, in the 90s, when I was a business trainer and this meme was making the rounds in training circles.
I remember going all cold with the ‘aha’ moment I experienced— as I was simultaneously overcome with jealousy that I hadn’t thought of it first.
It was simple, easy to remember—at the same time profound. It has its roots in Buddhist thought, at least according to Buddhist legend.
Here was something I could actually use—not just something that sounded clever.
Here was something I could remember easily when I needed it—not something complicated with lots of steps and phrases that needed memorizing.
And definitely this was something that could help me with almost every problem I had. A true ‘meta’ solution, kind of like an umbrella over all the stuff in my life causing stress and worry.
Here we go.
The very next time you are feeling anxiety, stress, worry or experiencing something disturbing, ask yourself:
Can I change it?
Can I accept it?
Can I walk away from it?
Clue: You are working to find a yes somewhere in these 3 otherwise you’re in for trouble. Expect to explode shortly.
Let’s look at this more closely.
If you can change it, then take action. If you can’t act at this moment, then make a plan for action. Then let go of the stress. You are doing your best. Action is the absolute best stress reliever. Go on that march. Write that Senator.
If you really cannot change it, and there is nothing more you can do to affect the situation, can you learn to accept it or resign yourself to it? Can you learn to live with it? If so, surrender to reality. You can’t change those election results. You can’t live that person’s life for them. Accept what is, and then drop the stress. Drop it now—it’s not serving any purpose.
If no to both of these then the third option is —can yousimply walk away from it? Get out, break off the relationship, move away, change jobs. You know that relationship is never going to work. You know you’ll never be happy living in Kansas. You can’t live with someone who is mentally ill if they won’t get treatment without destroying your own life.
So walk away. You can’t change it and it will never be acceptable to you. It’s ok; you’re not a selfish monster, just realistic. You can always move to the Antarctic.
This is your first port of call when experiencing stress.
Figure out what works for you. You can work with one, two, or all three.
If you can do all 3, then so much the better.
For instance, you can remove yourself from a nasty situation, and try your best to change it from a distance, at the same time accepting the reality of what is and feeling OK with it.
You may not be able to walk away from that health problem, but you can work to change it and accept what is at the same time.
You may not be able to walk away from that election result, (unless you unplug and become a hermit), but you can take what action you can, and accept what is, in the meantime.
This tool works for all kinds of issues and problems. It gives you a reframe, and a way to let go of the stress.
You don’t have to like it, but if there is nothing you can do, you don’t have to let it ruin your life either.
The key is to let go of the worry and stress. That will free you up to take effective action.
Try the Meta Stress Manager. I wish I had made it up. Really. I’d be a millionaire. It will help you. And it’s so easy.
Now stay tuned for how to deal with those problems that just won’t go away. You’ve done the Meta Stress Manager, and decided you want to take action or get used to it, but you’ve still got the issue to deal with.
I woke up the other morning feeling out of sorts. Not depressed exactly, just a feeling of restlessness, as if something wasn’t right.
Clients will come back.
